trying to make shape of the spaces in my life

 

trying to find the light in the early morning 

 

creeping in the half light 

trying not to wake the ones i love

 

trying not to trip on the dog 

      or step on a toy.

 

THE PAIN! 

the silence scream of legos under foot

 

moving through the heaviness 

the sluggish feeling of weighted sleep 

the lack of sleep 

the lack of confidence 

the lack of breath 

my apnea 

my hypopnea 

 

to stop breathing 

a lack of oxygen going to my brain 

going through my heart 

 

i worry 

i worry 

     how to dismantle my bad habits 

without resorting to cult thinking

 

can i come to clarity about my doubts 

in a way that makes me feel enlightened

        and not numb

 

my lungs 

my lung 

the left one 

inert 

facile

i feel, to be fair

      it’s not the lung’s fault

it’s the diaphragm 

it doesn’t work 

     and to be fair to the diaphragm 

it works 

      at least used to 

except the nerve doesn’t 

 

it was most likely the tumor that severed the nerve 

MOST LIKELY 

the surgeon 

for sure nicked the vagus nerve 

and left me without a voice 

i couldn’t hold a pocket of air 

        in my voice box 

so my thoughts would run out of steam

 

i couldn’t even read a book

      to my two year-old daughter 

 

i am better now 

well 

my voice is back 

 

modern surgery 

 

but my diaphragm lies 

like a piece of salmon 

      in my belly 

i feel it’s inaction 

whenever i lie on my side 

it slides

 

finding new ways 

      to convince myself to lose weight 

is tough 

 

to come back from the yo-yo 

        is hard 

i know walking will help                                

       a little

but it’s portions and 

   no mindless grazing 

 

that is really tough 

picking off the kids plates                              off  the leftovers

i am trying to be more in control

over the things i can 

even if it seems 

to be anything that doesn’t help at first pushing forward

through

 

carrying two sandbags around me at all times 

 

that is the image 

        i need to hold 

 

carrying two 25 lb sandbags 

 

i would be grateful to put one down.